Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize