I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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