I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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