just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
