Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
nutella sex= disaster
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
