Pants 0. Shit 1.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
