new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
