used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
