There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
