remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
