Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
