I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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