i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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