just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
