So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
