I am midnight drunk by noon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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