I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
