My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
