that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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