There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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