you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
