Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
