When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
