whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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