dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
