probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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