I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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