no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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