Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
