I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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