Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
