Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
