Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
