he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
