the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Randomize
