One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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