At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
