So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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