who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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