i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
