Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
