Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
