6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
