Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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