I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
