I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
