Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
