So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
