you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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