How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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