i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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