This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
