wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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