Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
