Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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