gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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