R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
