You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
