mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
