I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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