She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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