I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
