The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
