If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize