He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
