Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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